Parenting as Partners - Maintaining Your Relationship While Raising Children
Introduction
Becoming parents fundamentally changes a relationship, with research showing that 67% of couples experience decreased relationship satisfaction during the first three years after a child's birth. However, Dr. John Gottman's longitudinal studies reveal that couples who maintain their partnership focus while parenting often emerge with stronger relationships than before children (Gottman & Gottman, 2007).
Dr. Carolyn Pape Cowan's research demonstrates that the transition to parenthood creates both challenges and opportunities for relationship growth. Couples who approach parenting as a team activity—rather than parallel individual efforts—report higher relationship satisfaction and better parenting outcomes (Cowan & Cowan, 2000).
The key insight from parenting research is that children thrive when their parents maintain a strong, connected relationship. Protecting your partnership isn't selfish—it's one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.
The Neuroscience of Parenting and Relationships
Parenting activates powerful neurobiological changes that can either strengthen or strain romantic partnerships. Research by Dr. Ruth Feldman shows that caring for children together releases oxytocin in both parents, potentially strengthening their bond, but sleep deprivation and stress can override these positive effects (Feldman, 2012).
The parental brain prioritizes child safety and well-being, sometimes at the expense of partner connection. This evolutionary programming served our ancestors well but can create modern relationship challenges when parents become so child-focused that they lose sight of their partnership.
Additionally, the constant vigilance required for childcare keeps the nervous system in a state of arousal that makes it difficult to access the calm, connected states necessary for romantic intimacy.
Tip 1: Establish Protected Partnership Time and Rituals
Research consistently shows that couples who maintain regular, protected time for their relationship report higher satisfaction and better parenting outcomes. Dr. Ellen Galinsky's studies reveal that children feel more secure when they observe their parents prioritizing their relationship (Galinsky, 1999).
The Partnership Protection Framework:
Daily Connection Rituals (10-15 minutes):
Morning coffee together before children wake up
Brief check-in conversation during children's quiet time
Synchronized bedtime routine after children are asleep
Physical affection that doesn't involve children (hello/goodbye kisses that last more than 6 seconds)
Appreciation statements about parenting partnership
Weekly Partnership Dates:
Protected time weekly for adult conversation without child-related topics
Regular date nights, even if just 2 hours at home after children sleep
Shared activities that reinforce your identity as partners, not just parents
Conversations about relationship goals and individual growth
Planning future experiences together as a couple
Monthly Relationship Maintenance:
Overnight getaways or extended dates when possible
Deeper conversations about relationship satisfaction and needs
Planning intimacy and romance that feels authentic to your current life stage
Evaluation of parenting teamwork and areas for improvement
Recommitment to relationship priorities and goals
Partnership Language During Parenting:
Use "we" language when discussing parenting decisions
Support each other's parenting choices in front of children
Express appreciation for your partner's parenting efforts
Refer to yourselves as partners and team members
Show affection and respect for each other in children's presence
Implementation Strategy: Start small with just one daily ritual and build gradually. Schedule partnership time in your calendar as non-negotiable appointments. Take turns planning couple activities. Create childcare arrangements that support regular partnership time.
Tip 2: Develop Unified Parenting and Communication Strategies
Parenting disagreements can quickly damage relationships if couples don't develop effective strategies for maintaining unity while working through different perspectives. Dr. Diana Baumrind's research on parenting styles shows that children benefit most when parents are consistent and supportive of each other (Baumrind, 1991).
The Unified Parenting Framework:
Core Parenting Values Alignment:
Discuss fundamental beliefs about child-rearing before conflicts arise
Identify non-negotiable values vs. areas where you can be flexible
Create agreements about discipline, education, and character development
Plan how to handle grandparent and extended family input about parenting
Regularly revisit and update parenting philosophy as children grow
Conflict Resolution for Parenting Disagreements:
Never argue about parenting decisions in front of children
Use "time out" approach: one parent handles immediate situation while other observes
Discuss disagreements privately and reach consensus before presenting to children
Focus on what's best for the child while considering both parents' perspectives
Seek compromise solutions that both parents can support authentically
United Front Communication:
"Mom/Dad and I have discussed this and we've decided..."
"We need to talk about this as parents and get back to you"
"Your mother/father is right about this situation"
"We're a team and we support each other's decisions"
"Let's ask your other parent what they think about this"
Parenting Stress Management:
Take turns being the "on duty" parent during high-stress periods
Create signals for when one parent needs backup or break
Support each other during difficult parenting moments without criticism
Share responsibility for discipline and difficult conversations
Practice empathy for how hard parenting can be for your partner
Maintaining Individual Identity Within Parenting Partnership:
Support each other's non-parenting interests and goals
Encourage individual friendships and activities
Respect different parenting strengths and styles
Avoid losing yourselves entirely in parent identity
Celebrate each other's growth as individuals and parents
Implementation Strategy: Schedule monthly parenting partnership meetings to discuss challenges and successes. Practice presenting united front on small decisions before handling major issues. Create backup plans for when you disagree in the moment. Support each other's parenting confidence and growth.
Managing Common Parenting-Related Relationship Challenges
Sleep Deprivation and Physical Exhaustion:
Take turns with night duties when possible
Accept that intimacy may need to be rescheduled around energy levels
Prioritize sleep as much as possible for relationship health
Be patient with each other during exhausting parenting phases
Ask for help from family and friends when available
Financial Stress from Parenting Expenses:
Budget together for child-related expenses
Discuss major parenting expenditures before making decisions
Balance child needs with relationship and individual needs
Plan for education and activity expenses well in advance
Remember that expensive activities don't necessarily make better parents or children
Loss of Spontaneity and Romance:
Plan romantic moments rather than waiting for spontaneous opportunities
Be creative about intimacy during naptime or early morning hours
Focus on quality of connection rather than quantity of time
Remember that this intense parenting phase is temporary
Find small ways to show love and appreciation daily
Different Parenting Styles and Philosophies:
Appreciate how different approaches can complement each other
Focus on shared goals rather than identical methods
Learn from each other's parenting strengths
Compromise on parenting approaches when possible
Seek professional help when fundamental disagreements persist
Blended Family and Co-Parenting Challenges
For couples with children from previous relationships, additional strategies are needed:
Blended Family Relationship Protection:
Maintain couple time separate from step-parenting responsibilities
Support each other through co-parenting challenges with ex-partners
Create new family traditions while respecting children's existing relationships
Handle discipline and boundaries carefully in blended families
Seek professional help for complex blended family dynamics
The Empty Nest Transition for Parents
When children leave home, couples must rediscover their relationship identity beyond parenting:
Preparing for Empty Nest:
Gradually shift focus back to partnership as children become more independent
Maintain interests and friendships outside of parenting throughout child-rearing years
Continue dating and romance throughout parenting years
Plan for what you want your relationship to look like after children leave
Support each other through the identity transition from active parents to couple
When Parenting Stress Threatens the Relationship
Warning Signs:
All conversations focus on children with no adult topics
Physical intimacy disappears for extended periods
Constant conflict about parenting decisions
One partner feels excluded from family dynamics
Children become go-betweens for parental communication
Intervention Strategies:
Prioritize relationship counseling that addresses parenting challenges
Create more structured partnership time
Address underlying relationship issues that parenting stress is exposing
Seek parenting education to reduce conflicts about child-rearing
Consider temporary childcare help to reduce stress and create space for relationship repair
Conclusion
Parenting presents one of the greatest challenges and opportunities for relationship growth. When couples maintain their partnership focus while raising children, they model healthy relationships for their children while building stronger bonds with each other.
The goal isn't to be perfect parents or perfect partners, but to remember that your relationship is the foundation that makes everything else possible. Children benefit enormously when they grow up witnessing parents who love, respect, and prioritize each other.
References:
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Cowan, C. P., & Cowan, P. A. (2000). When partners become parents: The big life change for couples. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin and social affiliation in humans. Hormones and Behavior, 61(3), 380-391.
Galinsky, E. (1999). Ask the children: What America's children really think about working parents. William Morrow.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2007). And baby makes three: The six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives. Crown Publishers.
